Now that you are 18, you will be thinking about marriage and a partner for life. I thought I’d write a letter to you that you can refer to from time to time. My prayer for you is that you will learn how to determine God’s will for your life. So I’m going to outline what God’s word says about choosing a mate. The Bible gives us the chronological steps to take in marriage. My prayer is that you will follow them closely so that you will have a successful and meaningful marriage like your Mom and Dad. For easier reference, I will number the steps that you should take. Check each one off as you feel you have completed them, for God’s richest blessing on your life and marriage.
PRE-PROMISE COURTESIES. DO THESE THINGS BEFORE YOU PROMISE TO MARRY ANYONE.
Do a Bible study on these verses and make a notebook on the results.
Romans 12:1-2- Dedicate your body to him.
1Corinthians 6:9-20- Use your body to glorify God.
1Thessalonians 4:1-8- Sanctification means to be set apart and clean for his use.
2Corinthians 6:14-18- Don’t date an unsaved person.
1Corinthians 3:16-17-Remember that God lives in your body-don’t defile it. Keep it clean.
Psalm 107:43- You will become wise and understanding of life as you grow in a knowledge of God’s characteristics, in your notebook, make a list of attributes of God. Understanding who He is will help you understand what He expects from you.
Proverbs 1:5- Be teachable and listen to those who give wise counsel.
Psalm 16:11-Ask God to show you the direction to take. Staying on His path brings joy.
Proverbs 3:5-8-Ask Him to provide the right husband / wife and trust Him to direct your choice.
Daniel 12:3- Strive for wisdom. There are so many good rewards awaiting you if you do.
Proverbs 9:12- If you want the best for yourself, make wisdom your #1 goal.
Ecclesiastes 9:1- Put yourself in God’s hands and accept whatever He sends.
Isaiah 5:21- When we rely on our own wisdom we fail. We need help.
Proverbs 16:20- I want you to be able to handle every matter in life skillfully. For this reason, I have put the emphasis on “doing your homework carefully before making any decision, “especially an important one like who you will submit to for the rest of your life.
Proverbs 9:9- Since you have acted wisely through your teen years, I expect you to get even wiser as you get older.
One important “wisdom gem.” A boy should not ask a girl to marry him until he finds out if she is willing to follow the same path that God has mapped out for him. Before I asked Mom to marry me. I told her that God had called me into full-time service. I then asked her if she was willing to go with me anywhere in the world even
Don’t settle for 2nd best. Remember if dates don’t come, that sometimes only when we give up our lives and says, “I am willing to be single if that’s Your will for me.” Will God act and send you the right one? Many times Satan offers the 1st choice. Be guided by your convictions, not your feelings. You don’t fall in love. That’s stupid. You fall in ditches or down stairs. Plan your love life with God’s wisdom, using all the guidelines I have listed for you in this letter.
Do you both have the same spiritual Father? If he’s not a Christian he is not being controlled by God and His principles. Just because he’s a Christian is not enough either. Make sure that he’s an active leader who is regular in church and using his spiritual gifts and is producing fruit. Listen to him pray. You can tell a lot about a man by listening to his talk to God. Make sure he prays with you too, or forget it.
Do you both have the same spiritual goals in life? Are you both headed in the same direction, or can you fit into his “calling”? 1Peter 3:1 “wives fit in with your husbands plans.” (Living Bible)
Do you both have the same motivation for getting married? (To please God?) The couple that just can’t wait may have the wrong motivation.
During courtship, get some feedback from at least 3 members of the church body. Ask the pastor, your Sunday School teacher or an older Elder to discuss the strengths and weaknesses of both of you. You don’t obey man, you obey God. Sometimes man is wrong and will give you bad advice. However, listen carefully to all that your authorities say. No one wants the best for you more than these who are closest to you. They can also see “blind spots” that you cant always see.
Should a boy ask a girl to promise herself to him, Before you say “yes” make sure you study the following verses together. God hates divorce, because marriage is a sacred picture of the Lord and the church. See Ephesians 5.
2Peter 3:9-Mean what you say even like the Lord who always keeps His promises.
Psalm 105:8- Keep your promise forever. Marriage is for keeps.
Romans 1:31-32- Be careful what you promise. This is a warning to covenant breakers. They will receive the judgment of God.
Malachi 2:16- God hates divorce.
Malachi 2:14- The promise you make will not only to be to him, but to Him (God).
Ecclesiates 5:4-7- A fool says, “I made a mistake” and breaks his promise. It’s much better not to promise than to promise and break it.
POST PROMISE COURTESIES- DO THESE THINGS AFTER YOU PROMISE TO MARRY ANYONE.
CONSIDER YOUR PUBLIC OPPORTUNITIES TO WITNESS-SUBMIT TO THE PUBLIC
Make your intentions known.
Elopement sounds romantic but eliminates opportunities for public witness of Jesus.
Engagement parties are great for personal testimonies and sharing spiritual goals.
Ring showing is a time for praising God for the partner He sent.
Newspaper ads and church bulletins wisely written can bring glory to God.
Marriage is somewhat like baptism. It’s a time to testify. It’s a public demonstration of a biblical picture.
Ephesians 5:21-33- The husband’s love reminds us of how Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. The wife’s submission to her husband reminds us of how the church submits to Jesus.
SUBMIT TO GOVERNMENT. ROMANS 13
The license, physical test, psychological tests in premarital counseling all are designed to make us understand our responsibilities as marriage partners.
GET MARRIED BY GOD’S REPRESENTATIVE.
This is a holy service. Marriage is a Divine Institution. Submit to God’s representatives. Get their blessings on everything you do. It’s important to have a man of God marry you rather than a judge or a sea captain. Even unsaved people have within them that says, “it’s not a real marriage unless you get married in a church.” Unfortunately, unsaved people can only be 2/3rds married. They can be legally and physically married. Remember that the giving or taking away of the Pastor’s approval is based on. “Did you follow God’s plan and rules and guidelines?” He can’t put his blessing on someone who decides that he wants to marry an unsaved person. That’s like saying, “I’m going to steal; pray for me and put your blessing on
I am praying that these principles will become a part of your thinking because I love you and want the best for you. As you know, your name means, “Victory”. If God’s will is for you to marry. I want to help you to live up to the meaning of your name by being “Victorious” in your married life. That’s my # 1 desire for you, that’s why I began teaching you these principles when you were only a baby.
Love,
Dad
Scriptural Standards and Instructions for
Choosing a Mate
Recognize that the world’s way is not God’s way.
Prov. 14:12 There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.
Recognize and accept God’s calling upon your life.
Prov. 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.
Matt. 19:12…others have renounced marriage because of the Kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”
1Cor. 7:32 I would like you to e free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife. And his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim Is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit, but a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.
Recognize, respect, value, desire “substance” over “show. What should you look for in a mate?
Prov. 20:6 Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?
Micah 6:8 He has showed you, o man, what is good. And what does the lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
Prov. 13:6 Righteousness guards the man of integrity, but wickedness overthrows the sinner.
Prov. 31:30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
1Pet. 3:3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
Recognize and prayerfully accept God’s timing in your life.
Lam. 3:24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”
Ps. 5:3 In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my request before you and wait in expectation.
Recognize that it is critically important that you Guard you heart….
Prov. 4:23 Above all else, guard you heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Use God’s word to judge the thoughts and attitudes of your own heart, and the heart of any potential mate.
Hebr. 4:12 For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thought and attitudes of the heart.
ATTRIBUTES OF THE MAN GOD HAS FOR ME
Gives of self (Ephesians 5 :25)
Knows the Word, studies with me, able to cleanse and sanctify me, spiritual leader (Ephesians 5:26)
Rebukes / admonishes me when needed (Ephesians 5:27)
Shows me I’m special (Ephesians 5:29)
Independent (Genesis 2:24)
Educated, intelligent in every branch of wisdom (Daniel 1:4)
Meek (Ephesians 4:32, 4:2-3)
Humble(Ephesians 4:32, 4:2-3)
Gentle(Ephesians 4:32, 4:2-3)
Loving (Ephesians 4:32, 4:2-3)
Leader-All around
Helpful
Forgiving-Ephesians (4:32, 5)
Honest- able to talk (enjoys) Ephesians 4:25,5:9
Sticks to convictions
Creative-outgoing
Enjoys people- likes to be involved
Athletic
Manages Money well-able to provide for a family
Responsible
Has understanding and disce3rning knowledge (Daniel 1:4)
Uses spiritual gift in the body- Active in Church (Ephesians 4:16)
She went out with one nerd after the other = Losers.
I’m tired of going out with duds.
I’m going to make a list of the kind of husband I want to marry.
Send me this one
Or I wont get married
I’m going to stick to my convictions
She got what she prayed for.
Now, they are counseling couples who have marriage problems.
Circumstances eliminate all but a relatively few possibilities. Choosing wisely from the possibilities requires careful and prayerful employment of God’s word as the standard of evaluation for those who remain.
The Great Sifting process
Those I don’t know.Those who are too old or too young.
Those who are already married.
Those who aren’t Christians—2Cor.6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with Darkness?
Those who aren’t growing Christians—Col. 1:10 And we pray this in order that you may live worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God.
bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful…. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit unless you remain in me. “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.
Those who don’t share my basic convictions before God. Phil. 2:2 Then make my joy complete by being like—minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.
Those of whom my parents do not approve.
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You complain about how hot it is
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Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.
You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.
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